My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
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Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
rich people when they have to pay taxes
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
The Compass
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong