She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
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Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!