Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
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“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)