Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
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I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
pls suprot
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.