My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
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AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”