If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
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13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.