I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
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Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
And bowling should be called pinball
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no