Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
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– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed