{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
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[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.