Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
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You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
😆this is so true
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.