*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
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Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
You can’t rush stupid.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
🤣dope
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT