A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
You Might Also Like
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
the greatest twitter interaction