Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
You Might Also Like
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Body by Oreos
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Order here:
More here:
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled