My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
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Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
peep davidson
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
me when the borders lift
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
when mom throws a party…
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk