You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
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I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Solving a traffic jam
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.