WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
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If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Seems a bit forward
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.