Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
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scared to check what name she chose
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.