Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
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Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
How to draw a duck
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.