My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
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I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I thought this was funny lol
Not messing around
never forget
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.