“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
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Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.