what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
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FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
So inspired right now.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips