a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
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We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh