#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
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I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.