So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
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Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Bread puns are on the rise!
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”