“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
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Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Netflix: We have Less
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I thought this was funny lol
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.