A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
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“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
It’s an epidemic…