To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
You Might Also Like
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”