I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I wish I could veto my bills.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Genius idea!!
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.