I put the hot in psychotic.
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You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.