Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
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It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on