Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
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[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.