I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
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Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.