A leaf blower, but for people.
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Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.