Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
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Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]