What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
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Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people