gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
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*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.