“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
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The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Always the camel, never the toe.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.