Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
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You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
A drum solo but on your face.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this