If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
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I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.