Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
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Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Something Saturday.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic