My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
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Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.