2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
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Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
She was REALLY feeling it.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”