Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
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Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I had to Stop for this
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.