My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
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My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”