american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
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Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
seems like a niche market
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*