Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
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*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.