Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
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Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine