Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
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An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Brilliant!
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
*exercises sarcastically*
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows