No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
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What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.