Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
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*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.